the open road.

Have you ever had a day that you just feel cool? I dont know how else to explain it other than that. Today was one of those days. I just feel cool. This is the kind of dumb conversation I would have with one or both of my siblings. Somehow we all ended up with the same odd way of thinking and expressing ourselves.

[What I did today for those of you who are interested.. I danced in my livingroom listening to Josh Groban.I went hiking along the sandy trails in a state park nearby listening to Selah's hymns, barefoot for as long as I could. I had a great conversation with God.I went into downtown Santa Cruz and perused the local stores. I bought some classic books and some unknown but cultural books at a used bookstore. Now I sit eating my homemade sweet&sour stirfry over sticky rice listening to Amos Lee and David Gray. what a wonderful day]

Now for those of you not so much interested in WHAT I did but more in what Im learning.. well thats been happening too. Ive been looking into school (finally!) and starting to put together somewhat of a plan for my life. It seemed overwhelming at first, but the verse in Proverbs just keeps coming up: "seek the Lord and He will direct your paths" something like that. And it is so true. My first priority is not my life. Still, there are alot of options for me to consider right now in my life. I'll be getting home with close to no money so work is relatively urgent. Time of course makes me think that school is relatively urgent as well. then there is this travelling thing I cant seem to shake. How does it all fit together? Ive actually found a couple schools and programs that do interest me. And Im sticking to my plan of coming back to Calgary for a year at least. What I realized today though is that God often speaks to me through 'interruptions'. What I mean is.. I will hear something direct from Him, and I will run with it full steam ahead. But often, He tells me that so that another door becomes open, or within sight, for me. So He will tell me to go to the main road that Ive heard of, but then along the way I see a side street that just feels so right. That fork-in-the-road place is a hard spot though. How do I know a distractor from what I just called an 'interruption'? Im learning to dream with a flexible heart. running, but not so fast that I cant see the forks. Its a journey. and, after today, I actually feel like I have an idea of the road ahead. exciting stuff!

one step

Today I feel like I kind of took a step backward that pushed me forward. If that makes any sense at all. I do think I can say that Im not aware of ever feeling so grateful for the feeling of conviction before. and I still dont know if that sentence made sense! Let me start a little farther back..

Last week I was having trouble 'connecting' with God again. I was feeling like maybe the effects of YWAM were wearing off and I was starting to get back to normal. HA. What is normal? I dont want it to be a place where I cant feel or hear God. I dont want it to be a place that I feel like Im struggling and a place where I cant seem to stop beating myself up for not doing better. But those were the thought patterns that were starting to resurface. I was still having moments of ups along with these thoughts, but the trend was starting to bother me. I know it is important to be able to have the faith in God whether or not you can feel His presence. and I know that we all go through times of dryness, especially after coming down after a spiritual high. The problem for me is when I start TRYING to make it all better and then feeling guilty when I dont get it right. Those are lies from the evil one. guilt is not of God, conviction however is. (I promise, I am getting to that part of my story!) SO, then this past weekend I went down to San Diego to visit my dear friend Megan from my DTS.

and it was so refreshing the instant I saw her. Its like coming home. seeing family. It just makes all the difference to be around someone that you dont have to explain your life story to for once. She lived with me for months, she knows my struggles and my heart. We encouraged eachother, discussed life problems, and spent lots of time praying for one another. In fact, the first night I got there - after driving for almost 11 hours, going straight to a party and meeting her friends, and staying up super late talking - Megan prayed me to sleep. I knew we were off to a good start there. And that seemed to be the reoccurring theme of the weekend for me. Learning to pray. Learning to ask. Learning to trust. Learning to just listen. all over again. It seems that is a lesson that needs to be taught over and over.

SO needless to say, my heart was in a pretty good spot coming back here. I rested. I communed. I fellowshipped. I was refreshed. So today, what was meant to be a chat to catch up, ended up being some tough love given to me. I am super thankful to have a friend here that is bold enough to speak up when I need a gentle reminder, or a firm one. I guess to make it brief I can say that the battle in me with independence is far from over, and when it comes to leadership I need a lesson in humility and unity. I cant expect to share the message of church unity if I struggle to work on a team myself. I need to learn to voice my opinion within a group setting and learn to work with and accept other ideas. Not shut off and just do what Im told OR just do my own thing. I guess Ive never really been able to co-lead. But I need to learn. and man o man am I going to need grace in this area. Once again I am able to say that this is just the beginning I feel..

Order

Two days ago I spent the day with my [second] cousin and friend. They roadtripped all the way down the west coast visiting family and friends along the way (sounds similar to what Im doing with jess in august..). It was neat to have a little taste of home with that. I got caught up with my small town roots - or rather, my dad's roots, and with my family. We talked church and God and family and future. We also just spent the day at the beach relaxing and soaking up the sun AS well as trying to learn to skimboard. I managed a pretty nasty fall though attempting to perfect it and ended up doing something to my right wrist... which I ignored thinking it was nothing serious until it was finally hurting so bad I couldnt ignore it any longer. Ice and meds came next.. and then in a lapse of judgement I jumped in a hot tub. BAD idea. The pain was incredible. Sleep came slow that night..

Yesterday I spent the day restlessly pacing the house. I had obviously gotten used to going out during the day and interacting with people. I just couldnt seem to shut off and relax at all. My mind was racing. I talked with my parents finally and they convinced me to at least get my wrist checked out, seeing as my insurance covered it anyway. I also attempted reading and talking with God throughout the day - seeing as I really couldnt type or write. It was frustrating finding myself in the same state of not being able to stop and tune into God. I think I was more talking at Him then with Him.. But things turned around when I ended up having a late night conversation in which I could explode all my energy into words. I feel like sometimes I get caught up in all the exteriors of my faith and forget the root of what I believe. Which is essentially to LOVE God and to LOVE people. It was good to be reminded of that. Sometimes its good to simplify I think..

Today I again chose to stay home all day, but today was very different. I enjoyed the rest, and felt at peace and filled with joy. I did go to the doctors, and two hours later came out with a split for my sprained wrist. I had the day and the house to myself, as Lori went hiking again this weekend in Yosemite. I enjoyed loud music, and dancing, and sleeping on the floor, and cooking a glorious meal for myself (and the four extra people I mustve thought were going to show up! I cooked enough for 5!). I not only read the word, but was fed by the word. I talked with an old friend and made a couple small realizations. and tonight I decided to go out with the group. We saw an old 80's band perform on the beach and laughed and danced into the night. Today was a good day.

Tomorrow is Kyle's mom's funeral. For some reason, the only thought I can think about that is very disconnected. and its just about what Im going to wear. I know that I will cry. and I know that tomorrow will probably be a difficult day. Im glad I chose to stay home and go to this service.

The day after tomorrow is the wedding of an old friend of the guys'. I think I might go uninvited... to the dance at least...

I was talking with my mom the other day - and I realized once again how easily I bond to a place or to people. It makes it easy to go, but hard to leave. If that makes any sense. I feel connected here. Just like I did in India. and in Kentucky. These are places that Ive left a piece of me in. People Ive shared with and connected too. Stories that I claim as my own and memories that I hold close to my heart. These are the events that have shaped the person that I am today. Even the events of this weekend, the ones I just shared, are things that have marked my life. And in this all, through this all, I want to love God. and I want to continue loving people. Wherever my life takes me next.

life to the full

Talking to my parents tonight reminded me to share something that I have experienced since being here... One of the guys Ive met - Kyle - his mom is really really sick with cancer. A rare form of cancer that the doctors cant do anything about. She has been fighting it for years, but this latest bout of it will probably be her last. That is the story I got the first night I hung out with my new friends here, after they received a text to say she was going downhill fast. A few days later I hung out with Kyle for the first time, and we stopped by his house so he could change. I entered a house full of love, but death as well, all mixed together. The family was all there, and I got to meet his mom too. She is a wonderful woman - completely selfless and full of joy. I got to experience a little piece of their life in this prescious time. Its a gift I couldnt have asked for. I have never been around anyone who is terminally ill, and because I hadnt known anyone there longer than a week, I didnt know how to act really. But this will surely be an experience I will always remember. We ended up staying with them longer and joining them on a walk with the mom (in her wheelchair) around the neighborhood. We fed the horses, and admired the giant houses and well kept lawns. And everyone held on to the moms every word.

Now, about a week later... it doesnt look like she is going to make it through the night. She is in a coma currently, and receiving phone calls with the final words of loved ones who couldnt be there.

And where do I fit into all this? Im just a tag along. Who has happened to be there for the calls and the text messages updating on her status, and happened to be there for her last walk around her favorite paths. I dont know what my place is exactly, but I feel incredibly blessed to be apart of this journey. Ive seen peace and love and strength and friendship in news ways. Ive seen family and community come together. Kyle's mom is a loved woman. She, and her family, have the prayers of many surrounding them right now. Please as you read this through a quick one up for the family as well. Thanks all. Be blessed.

a turn around.

This summer is winding up to be very different than I anticipated! I had 'planned' or thought that I would get a job, hang out at the beach alot by myself, make a few friends through a Bible study or something and really get a sense of focus for whats next. And at first it looked like it was turning into that.. I thought I had found a job (Im STILL not sure whats going on with that. The short story is that I was hired, but she told me to call when I got back from vacation, and Ive called multiple times and even went in but apparently she hasnt been around - I cant get through to her at all!) and I thought this job felt right -you know, like I could treat it as more than a job. Now I think Ive wasted too much time on this one that I wont be able to try for anything else. Its strange that half my time here is up already almost! I am trusting that God has the answers for this one even if I cant see it. Somewhere in there might be a lesson in trusting Him with my finances, because I am really going to be cutting it close now. But me and Him have had many a conversation about this, and although I dont get it, I feel ok about it and I am at peace. I followed where I thought He was leading, so I can only continue to do that now! Besides work, my greatest 'needs' I felt was community. Or better put, just friends! and I have been really blessed in that area. Ive not only met a few people that I get along with, my Ive gotten to know a group of people that I feel comfortable with and really enjoy spending time with. They might all be older than me, but I still have quite a bit in common with them. They have kept me entertained with hiking and swimming and game nights, as well as challenging conversations. Its almost like Im having the typical summer that I never once experienced - but in a really cool place. Im staying at 'home' and hanging out with friends and doing all the fun summer activities I never had the time for! This may seem like a small accomplishment to some, but for me to be able to balance rest and fun and growth all together is no small feat. Im finally able to practice the discipline that Ive always told myself too. I still need work on some areas... but one thing that has changed in me definitely is that I am way more open to the Spirit's voice. I still have no idea what I am doing in calgary next year. But that no longer feels like THE big question. I have my dreams and I have my passions and I can truly say that I am living life abundantly. I am loving God and I am loving people. and in small ways I think I am making a difference. I would love to go back to school when I go home and learn more and find a job that I find purpose in - so if that door opens to me I will be jumping at that (but for those that havent heard yet, missionary is the title Im claiming now but there are still many unknowns surrounding that!). But Im going to start the way I left, with all that Im holding onto being my Christian Faith. My life would make no sense at all if God wasnt in it! and I love it that way.

prospects and expectations

Today I got a call from the local diner and landed an interview with the owner tomorrow morning. that is great news. I just handed my application in yesterday. God is good. They need a hostess and I have (some) experience from my days at Applebees. So, if all goes well, hoppefully I will have a job waiting for me to start once I get home from my birthday vacation! Also, I look forward to checking out a college group that meets on wednesdays... see if any solid relationships come out of that. Its been nice and relaxing so far being here. Ive had the chance to call and skype a few friends and am staying in touch with all my friends across the world. My aunt and I are getting along just great - if you ask her I might be a little on the messy side. But I help cook and I hope Im better company than the Tv or phone! I think we both enjoy having eachother around.

But, besides all these normalities and adjustments... there is something stirring within me. I just finished reading a book by Frank Peretti - one of his first - all about spiritual warfare. And I must say, it is real. I refuse to be put to sleep and to just go through the motions here. I have come to know my God more intimately than ever before, and have come so much closer to understanding His vast love. that needs to be talked about. And the evils of this world need to be combatted against. So tonight as I head to bed I am not so concerned about my job interview tomorrow, or about what I will fill my day with. Im ready to pray, and to pray seriously. For all my loved ones and dear friends around the world, and for the city that I have felt called back to for some time, and for the place I am in now. I dont know what God wants to tell me, but I am ready to listen. I know how easy it is to just do (which is very different than when I write that Im ready to just DO. notice the caps.) and so I will fight back with all the human strength I have. I want to expect of God. I want to see Him working and I want to be surprised and blown away again and again by His power and majesty and His love and faithfulness.

and I want this all to last. persistance. (stubborness used for good). that is just where Im at.

a new journey

I cant believe its been almost a month since last writing a blog! Where oh where does the time go?! That means its been almost a month since INDIA already. dear me. Its hard to believe sometimes that in the past three weeks I went from India to N. Ireland to California... three VERY different cultures. God has been extremely faithful through all the transitions, and even moreso He has been showering blessings upon me as well! It was so good to be reunited again with the other half of our family in Belfast and to swap stories about our different adventures. Whats cool too is that through their stories I can see even more of Gods purpose in putting me on the team I was on and His intention for sending me to India. It really was the perfect fit for me. I loved hearing all the stories of Rwanda and Burundi too though... I wonder if one day I will make it there..? Our trip was definitely a relationship focused one, especially with the kids that we were with for a solid 7 weeks at the community centre. Theirs focused alot more on reconciliation teaching. It was just good to be back all together. My sleeping patterns quickly adjusted to that of little to no sleep as I would stay up most the night talking and sharing dreams and wake up in the morning for debriefing with our YWAM leader. We talked through the entire DTS and gave evaluations and well as talked about transitioning back into our lives at home. I feel somewhat prepared for coming back home because I was gone before (to KY) and have done the re-entry thing. But still I know there will be unseen challenges. The biggest thing is going to be disciplining myself to keep up what just came naturally in the DTS setting (finding a community of believers, someone to keep me accountable, intercession times, taking roles of leadership, bible studies, etc) AND to spread and inspire this passion that I have now with humility NOT pride. but before any of that happens.... I am here in California for the summer! Ive got a lot to figure out here too. Ive got to find a job. find a church. find friends. Im creating a whole new life here. kind of exciting! But, like my dad said, my 'mission' its just for home or for later. its right here right now. God has a plan and purpose for me being here in santa cruz and I dont intend to sit on my butt and wait for lightning to strike. I am looking forward to spending a good deal of time going through my journals and digging through the bible and cementing some of the truths that Ive learned and growing in new ways too this summer. I also look forward to exploring around this part of california and really getting to know the area.

... this post has spread over a couple days now... this past week has seemed very full. I think I am STILL recovering from jet lag. Ive been so blessed to be able to see my parents and my brother in the past week. It was so great to spend time with family. Its weird how normal it feels to be with them. Our relationships havent really changed, but I know I have a different world view than when I left and its interesting to see that come out in conversation. Its strange to not really have any stories in common though - because everything I know from the past year is a different world from what they have experienced. It was good to just BE with them most of all. There was no pressure to exlode with all my lifes dreams or anything. [i love you guys!] and its been good to have regular communication with them again. On the other hand, it has been extremely hard to not be with my DTS friends for a week. and its hard hearing about their struggles adjusting to life. I just want to be there with them... Through it all though I know God is faithful. I feel him right next to me all the way.. and I look forward to this journey