Even on the Darkest of Nights..

Incerdible Story:

Okay so the background of my day yesterday... I had joined Steph once again with her Irish friends here as they took us around the country. We first went to see Dunluce Castle - beautiful! Pictures to come soon. Then off to Giants Causeway which was again, amazing. It was a day of bitter cold and breathtaking scenery. Our final stop before dinner was a place called the Mussenden Temple which was kind of weird to be honest. You walk through this strange garden and the 'Bishop's Gate'.. through a giant pasture... to this old house/mansion/castle called the 'Downhill House'. Just this giant old remains of a building in the middle of well-maintained grass seemingly on the top of the world. Then just past the castle house there is this circular bulding perched on the very edge of the cliffs. The top of Northern Ireland it felt like. This was the temple... the weird part is that there really are no signs explaining it, and no one around that seems to be maintaining or supervising the place. it is just open. So we walked around.. Took pictures and tried to pet the sheep wandering about. When we made it back to the car it was just about dark when Ester went to unlock the car only to discover that her keys were missing! Somewhere among the fields, the castle, the temple, and the garden were her keys! And all we had was a cellphone for light. We looked for roughly an hour, trying to retrace our steps, adn praying ferverishly. Finally we had all gathered again and decided we would have to walk into the nearest town and wait for someone to drive the hour and a half from Belfast to come get us. At this point of giving up, Steph kicked the ground and walked on. Stevie was the one to ask what that noise was.. Steph;s response was 'nothing.. I just kicked something'. Stevie shone the light and Lo and Behold THE KEYS! An hour of searching all the grounds (in the FREEZING weather I might add) only to have the keys lying in the very spot we had stopped and given up. This seemingly little story was a HUGE reminder to all of us that God is at work, and looking after his children. Even in the Darkness He shows up, and will use anything He wants to reveal Himself to us. Just like the star that led the wisemen to the baby Jesus those many years ago.

Yesterday was a very good day to end this year with. Today however I am feeling quite sick and am spending the day curled up on the couch with another book - my third for the break. I love to read! Also as hesitantly as I would admit it... I would say that today I am feeling homesick finally. The difference in my head is that on regular days I will miss people and miss family and miss home, but when Im homesick I dont miss anything I just want to BE home and BE with certain people. So today I dont miss you, I want to be with you. To be sliding down the same hill in the same toboggans as we have done for years beyond my birth even. To be sitting on my bed carrassed in your warmth while we giggle about contants of our box. To be lying on your floor talking occasionally but mostly just enjoying. To be eating your cooking. To be watching you paint. To be playing old video games. To be talking without explaining, using more motions and eye signals than words. AH to be young again. I dont know where that one came from. It reminded me of an old song or something. Last night the heating was accidentally left on all night and with my bed right beside the only radiator in our room well I think it has made me delirious today. I thought I was feverish all night because we are NEVER hot here. I had a restless night and woke up many times confused and aggitated as I couldnt figure out why I was so warm! I think I need to stop reading my books and go socialize or something...

ANYWAY.. so Tonight the plan for New Years is to go out to eat at a nice restaurant and then go to Steph's friend's house for games and merriment afterwards. It sounds divine, but I dont think I will be going anywhere for tonight at least. I need to be feeling top notch for this weekend as I am being whisked away by an old friend from Kentucky who is coming to visit some of his friends here in Northern Ireland (what a small world!). They are kidnapping me for the weekend and I am excited to see what they have planned! So a very Happy Christmas to you all and Have a great night tonight as we all celebrate the New Year!

the latest life change:

Hello Family and Friends! I am so excited to be writing this week's blog because I feel that so far it has been the most important week in lectures and growth in general. I am so blessed to be here!

Soo, this past week the lectures were on our Identity in Christ and we had a husband/wife team come and share with us. The first half of the week we learned about our Original Design - so learning who it is that GOD created us as individuals to be and to rebuke any lies about ourselves that either we have told ourselves or that others have spoken to us. We had a time of prayer and other times of affirmations and encouraging one another. It was so neat to see how God had so clearly given each of us parts of HIS character to enbody. And to see how because of our different designs we can work so much better together when we are walking in the design we are intended for. THEN the second chunk of the week was leanring about 'Strongholds' or areas of sin in our life preventing us from fully living in our orignal design. Again we had a prayer time, and a couple different teachings on different strongholds and how to repent and accept forgiveness. An example of this is the stronghold of PASSIVITY where the stronghold is the trunk of a tree and the leaves (or ways that sin is displayed in your life) would be not asking for prayer when needed or waiting for people to come talk to you at an event instead of initiating and the roots of this could be injustices - so things that happened in your past that you had no control over and did not deserve or generational or inherited sin (like when this is looked at as just a way of life or 'who I am').... So we individually had a time of prayer about a major stronghold in our lives and then how to take practical steps with God to defeat this. I wont share so impersonally over the computer about this area of my life, but I do believe that one of the greatest tools we have to use is accountability and you need to be vulnerable in order to do that. We also learned this week about Blessings and Cursings that come from our mouths and how when we speak out against someone or group of people we are in a way cursing them (which really does nothing for you, and can only harm that person). So we talked about blessing people, especially those who have cursed you. One really important thing that Ive learned this week is the impact the spoken word has, whether that is in repenting verbally or rebuking evil, or affirming someone... It is important to speak.

On another note.. Christmas is almost upon us! Last night we had a little bit of a christmas party at our house - with a few friends over that we have made here (they are part of another program called Sword of the Spirit and we have been joining our groups occasionally because we all get along so well. They have 5 students or gappers in their group, but we have also been making friends with THEIR friends too. Its great.) We baked Christmas cookies and decorated them and had a huge community meal at our house and watched a movie, and ended with a dance party in our living room!! My favorite! Tonight there is another Christmas party that I may make an appearance at, and on Tuesday another one where we are having a gift exchange. On Christmas day I am going to help a church out with a meal they are serving to homeless people and families in need, and i think we decided to do a big Christmas brunch all together. I have plans over the holidays too to go to Giants Causeway (look it up) and a church formal or dance and possibly to a castle and a hike or two. And theres a chance I may go to 'Puffin Island' with Isaac.. Im not too sure how I feel about being on a bird island though... We are losing three of our family for the break - Jack Cortney and Carolyn are all going away, and Megan and Brian both have people coming. So Isaac me Steph and Nosipho will hold down the fort. It doesnt quite feel like christmas to me, but it is close. I did not expect to have a tree or any decorations - which we kind of do.. and I didnt really think I would experience any sort of the normal traditions that my family does, but again in some ways we have and will. I am looking forward to the intamacy with God I am sure this rest will give me. It will be nice to take time to just dwell in Him for a bit.

Other activities I have done so far have been... mmm there is a Christmas market here that has been up for a month or so and we went exploring that - they have food and goodies from all over the world. This is where I tried Kangeroo burgers. Ive also been to the coast now with Steph and Cortney and some of Stephs friends here. We went to watch Neil's rugby match (SO COOL!) and went to the coast and to an Irish pub after with the rugby team. Earlier this week I went and joined the Sword of the Spirit group and did some carolling. OH and last weekend we went exlporing the university grounds here which look like Hogwarts in Harry Potter. It is BEATIFUL. Weve also been in a lot of charity shops around the area. Mostly though our days are pretty simple. We are pretty contented to stay close to our house so far - partially because transportation is expensive and still unknown to us. And there is ALWAYS something to do at our house - conversation is never lacking when you are living with ten people and theres always journalling and laundry and letters to write. Mondays I am still grocery shopping, Tuesdays I am cooking, Wednesdays I have outreach at a youth centre, Thursdays I shop again (but its a smaller trip), Fridays we have community meal, and Saturday I usually come to the city to do emails or hang out, and Sunday is church of course. Those are things that are pretty consitant. Then all my other time is filler around that stuff. My outreach on Wed is at a place called the Hammer, and me and Cortney are supposed to be working with a group of girls there to get a fundraiser up and running with them to have a formal/dance for youth at the centre - we are setting up a tuck shop in the centre for treats throughout the night but so far no girls have shown to start this (even though it was their idea!) So we have been entertaing the boys for the past two weeks. The average age would be probably 15-17, and they basically just play football (soccer) and table tenis and pool. It was a little intimidating the first week, but I can see great potential with this outreach, and Im really looking forward to getting back to it after the break.

I tried to remember collectively all the questions Ive been getting, but ask again if I forgot anything. I miss you all, but I am so not ready to come home yet :) If anyone wants to call me I need to write down our phone number but you could get that from me and get a calling card. Just a thought...

Peace love and Joy

(and have a brilliant christmas)

like lightning

OK. I have like less than 5 minutes to get anything out that I want to before I am logged off so here we go..

It has been a whirlwind the past week and a half. We are renting a new house but couldnt move in on time so last minute plans were changed and we went down to another YWAM base in closkelt for a week to join them in their lectures. During the week something came up in our group and the staff actually had to make the heartbreaking decision to send one of out students home. God wanted him here for the time he was here, but he was needed to be back at home. So in less than 24 hours we were saying goodbye to one of our family members. It was really hard, especially on the boys since now there are only 3 of them. THEN on the last day in closkelt (friday) we got a new addition to our group. A girl from South Africa named Nosipho has joined us. AND we found out where out outreaches are going to be. I am going to INDIA! and so excited about that. All we know so far is how the groups are divided. Next week we will be finding out more about the details and the where and whats. When we got back to Belfast this past weekend we finally got the keys to our new house so we spent sat moving. It was (and is ) a loong process. The rearranging and cleaning still needs to be completed. BUT we also are starting our outreaches this week in the evenings and mornings (not every day... we are on a rota). Plus our first book report is due on monday soo needless to say it has been a stressful and hectic time here. This week in lectures we are learning about forgiveness - an interesting topic. hmm..

The good, no the great news in all of this is that through it all God is speaking to me more than i even know what to do with. He has given me an idea... its small.. but the spark is there now, and an idea is more than Ive had for my future than Ive had in a long time! I wont share now what that idea is.. just pray and know that it is a HUGE and drastically life changing idea. Also, I love to pray so keep sending me requests please.

and a big thank you and hug to you all that have and are sending me things in the mail. It is so exciting to get a little piece of home especially when communication is so limited I feel from my end. ( I literally dont have time to write letters right now even!). annnd even though it sounded like it, NO that was not a plug to get people to send me more.. Im very grateful for the letters and packages I have received. I cry and laugh when I get those things. So thanks!

FINALLY (I think the computer extended my time a little haha. this is good!) I just have to tell you all how excited I am that in our new house we have a prayer room.. all decked out with art supplies and paper covering the walls and pillows and such. It is such a cool thing. I loove spending time in there with our God. Even among all the stresses and changes right now it is amazing how much joy and peace I feel. When we were in Closkelt I climbed a "mountain" with Jack and we were able to stand in the very presence of God over looking the most majestic and glorious view Ive seen in a while. Gods breath was in the wind, and his gaze was in the setting sun. It was fantastic, and a memory sure to stay with me for the rest of my life.

My posts are getting more and more random! My time is up though.

Love.

IMPORTANT TO READ! .....and the battle begins....

This may be my most important blog that I have and will write for awhile so please encourage everyone you can think of to read this...

First on a lighter note, we found out today where out outreach locations will be and were told to pray about it (and not talk to eachother) and tell them monday which location we want to go to. The options are India and Rwanda. PLEASE DO NOT OFFER ANY OPINION OR ADVICE TO ME ABOUT EITHER PLACE. I want to be sure that GOD is directing my path, and that I am not swayed by any human words. I can say that I am completely and utterly undecided at this point. I want to go to both just as equally.

Now for the more serious matter... Please read in entirity and listen to exactly what I am saying...

On Saturday night one of the staff members living with us at our house - Francis - was attacked by a group of four boys. He is well now, and back living with us... but it has been quite the weekend for us all. I must stress that the reason he was attacked was racial. There is a HUGE problem of racism here where we live and when the drinking is mixed with the hate, it can be ugly. Franics was jumped in front of our house (with most of us inside but not realizing/knowing what was going on just outside) and suffered multiple blows to his head and kicks to his legs/body. He also had stones thrown at him, and was hit by stones from our garden. Inside we heard a commotion and thought our house was getting broken into (mostly because of the stones hitting our windows) so we called the police. When the police showed up shortly after, we opened the door to see Francis standing outside bleeding. You can imagine the response from us was terrific - we went from fear for ourselves to shock and guilt. It was an overwhelming situation.

One person was allowed to go to the hostpital in the ambulance with him so I jumped in (for no other reason than I thought he shouldnt be alone). We surrounded him with prayer until they told us they needed to go... then we left. Our home phone wasnt working so between some of our cell's and Francis' cell (with me) we did manage to get ahold of the YWAM director, Jonny (who met us at the hostpital not too long after). It was a crazy night. I didnt even know what to pray anymore, so I just laid my hand on Francis and felt God. (If that makes any sense) Later, Jonny came, then Francis was finally let into the room and got cleaned up and stitches and pain killers.. and thats when I first heard the story. He also told us that just before that he had been praying with friends for the youth of this city. And that during the attack he choose not to fight back, but was merely trying to block as best he could. After hours of waiting he came out and we were told he had to go to a different hostpital to see an eye doctor (He is still not seeing completely out of his right eye. please pray). I was dropped off in between hospitals by Jonny and proceeded to tell the group what had happened (as none of them knew the story yet either). It was a late night. The following day I found that I was very concerned, particularily for his "heart" or "emotions". I was praying against such emotions of fear and anger (for all of us actually, not just him). Last night he returned to us, and praise be.. He is well. Physically he will recover, he still has pain and his eye is not completely restored. But Emotionally he is well. What an amazing testimony to everyone here. The forgiveness and mercy extended is incredible. We as a group have decided too that we WILL stay (in Belfast but also in the house we are in) and we will not run away from anything the Devil tries to throw at us. We actually prayed that we will encounter the boys who did this in our local ministires - whether we know it or not - and that God will work miracles from this situation. And again I must stress for all you caring mothers out there that this is not a normal occurance, and walking the streets here would be no more dangerous for me than it is at home. We have to use our heads, and not go out alone at night especially, but the reason for this attack WAS racial. I know I went into alot of detail there.. this event is still fresh with us here. I really believe that God will use this for His glory, and that good will (and perhaps already has) come from it. Continue to pray with intention. We want to see change happen here in this land. I have faith that we WILL see change come to pass. We are in for a radical few months here.. the battle is growing.... Which is only great news for the victorious...

I will soar on the wings of Eagles

MAN alive. I do not know how I am going to survive seven months of this trip! Already, in the past like three days I have been shaken, torn up, slapped in the face, overwhelmed, and completely floored by God. we are in the process of learning about God's love and his Parenthood and essentially his character. And its unreal. I can TASTE Gods love it is so tangible. I feel like already I have been so broken - and I know there is much more to come! - and Ive been shown how weak I am physically and spiritually when God is not in the picture, but then how alive and real and STRONG I can be through His Love and His Grace. Its through his love that I get my strength. Its my entire Identity. All I want to do is still and soak in his amazing love, but at the same time I cant contain it. I feel for the first time perhaps the NEED to share this, because I feel I will explode if I do not. I simply cannot contain all this for just me. I want everyone I know to feel loved the way I feel it now. My heart aches for you back home, because I so want to be there with you and love you with everything in me. But I am also learning the imense power that God has given us to be able to intercede. I am praying for YOU because God has placed a burden in my heart for you.. to experience his love. Its that simple. ... maybe.... Im also finally connecting some of the dots of my life. Some of my interests and gifts and passions are finally coming together and making sense.. and I have patience that in time more and more will be revealed to me. Im learning about Intercession and what that is and looks like, and also how to intercede (praying on behalf of another). One thing that I know is that this here is a safe environment to push myself and discover not only God my Father and Creator, but who he has made me. This is all rather rushed so Im not sure how much sense it is making. But Im learning and exploring and it is all so good. My spirit is soaring.

I am also quite enjoying the challenges of living in a community. It is making me depend on those around me which is great for my pride. It is amazing to be surrounded by people who will challenge your thinking but who essentially believe what you believe. We pray together often. We worship together often. We discuss constantly. It is such an amzing environment for growth. I havent yet had any problems like needing my own space or whatever.. I tend to be able to go into my own world while still be surrounded by people so thats probably why. We are very very busy with lectures and chores and outreach activities.. and soon we will be getting books to read as well. The temperature is something that is not going to change (until spring I suppose) so we are usually quite cold - esp in the classroom. I think my muscles dont know how to relax anymore.. But I am trying to train my body to wear less so that when I DO put on another sweater, I actually notice the difference. The food so far has been fantastic. Last night I cooked with Francis (one of the Staff living with us) while listening to some regae. It was delicious. haha. The shopping is a challenge because we have such a strict budget. And I hate being the bearer of bad news.. like milk is only for tea and cereal.. not for drinking.. and fruit has to be portioned.. and snacking has to be done on your own budget.. But its alright. This is a good skill to learn. Ummmm the lectures are great so far. We have a time of worship in the morning, then something different for an hour or so.. then lectures until lunch and sometimes after lunch as well. So its alot of listening.. but its good stuff. The evenings we usually spend writing or reading or discussing.. we really havent gone out and seen much! I am still feeling very tired daily, probably because Im still sick (ive had a sinus cold for about five days I think) And because my computer time is so far and in between I am trying to write more letters.. but even those are slow going because of the constant conversations that come up. Times up now for today.. so I will try and continue with these updates and thoughts at a later date! Thank you for all your updates and emails.. I am reading them even when I dont get the chance to respond. I send my love. And blessings. My prayer is that YOU will continue to seek God as well. We are all on an exciting journey..

I MADE IT

Wow, I can hardly believe that its been a week already! I will try my best to fill you in on all the details of my new life here. Its all very exciting!!

Soooo I am living in a sweet house with all my fellow YWAMers.. there are a whopping 4 boys and 5 girls (possibly with another girl coming from South Africa), as well as 2 YWAM staff in our house. We have one bedroom and bathroom for the girls and one for the boys.. and a kitchen, eating area, and living room. Our house is freezing cold most of the time, but I am already getting used to that. Lets just say that modesty is just not an issue! The first few days we had problems with our heater/hot water so it was alot worse too. Our classroom is way way way colder than any indoor building should ever be. Tea is a drink that I never knew I could consume so much of. We are all on a "rota" or rotation for cooking and cleaning and showers.. pretty much everything. We also have a budget of £3 per person per day from the funds we paid...for things like groceries and cleaning supplies etc. This first month I am in charge of grocery shopping for the group. OH dear. thats all I have to say haha. Im getting some tips though. should be good.

This week so far weve been mostly just adjusting and getting to know the staff and eachother. God is so good to us all. We all SEEM to get along great, and weve got a wide range of backgrounds and countries to learn from in our group. Our 4 leaders for our DTS are Tom, Lidia, Amalia, and Dave. And they are all great. We have alot of jokers or "messers" in our group so there is laughter constantly. The past coupld days weve been in a small town called Darkley helping out with some work there and bonding.. We saw our first Irish rain too. I dont even know how to sum everything up that weve done and seen so far, and I just got a warning saying my computer time is almost up. Ill be more prepared next time. God has been ever faithful though. Im saving up stories to tell.. I hate that I dont have alot of time to connect to home. I am well, and I am loving it here. Continue to pray. And THANK YOU. for so much.

Anticipation Grows

Sitting here in my basement, it's just a normal "Saturday" morning for me. The only difference is the huge mound of clothes and such behind me waiting to be packed oh so neatly into my suitcase. It hit me this morning while showering how weird it is to be leaving for a year, without my family. If anyone knows me... they know that family comes first. I love my family and brag about them constantly. I claim to be fiercely independent but I guess it has never really been put to the test. (Im really excited for that!)

Saying that, I do feel like I am ready to go. I want to discover all the answers to all the questions Ive been getting asked. The hardest part is the act of leaving... but that is the act of faith God has called of me. (and perhaps of all his children...?)

ANYWAY, I strongly believe in the power of prayer, so in order for you to hold me up in that you will need as much information as I can give you. (Which is not much actually.) I will be leaving for Belfast, Ireland on October 31st (TOMORROW!), and picked up by someone from the leadership team at the airport. School starts up right away Monday, November 3. I am not entirely sure of the school setting, but I have heard that there are many lectures. There are also many weekend trips and day trips where we will be practicing what we are learning. The focus of my DTS is reconciliation and our goal is to reconcile God’s children together and with Him. Specific topics we will be studying include Biblical World View, Evangelism and Missions, the Cost of Discipleship, God’s parenthood, Reconciliation and Justice, and more. In Belfast the lecture and local outreach phase is 5 months and the cross-cultural outreach is 2. Once we are together as a team we will be praying about where our outreach should be, but typically it is somewhere in Africa or the Middle East. There will be approximately 24 students from all over the world coming to learn and grow together, none of who I know yet.

I am expecting that this trip is going to radically change my life. I am not completely prepared for everything that I am sure I will experience, but I do however feel ready like I said. I know that God wants to teach me and show me things that I cannot see here. I am anticipating struggles – things like homesickness and differences of views – but I am convinced to face everything head on with my motivation coming from someone bigger than myself. I want to be stretched and challenged. I don’t want this to be an easy task that I can succeed in. Because I am looking for and anticipating such a radical year I am all the more grateful for your prayers. Pray for protection, for strength and for boldness. Pray for direction and for wisdom. I want all walls to be broken down and to come home with a raw Christianity and a simple but bold purpose. I do not want to live an average life, and this is my first step in that direction.

All My Love

So much. And thats All.

First I need to say that for everyone who will be reading this blog, I will not be holding back or trying to make it sound pretty. This is raw, this is real. If you care enough to keep updated on me and my adventure while I am gone then I would hope that you already know my passions. If not, I hope that you learn who I am through my words.

So, to make it more clear, I love Jesus Christ and He is the reason that I am leaving. I want to experience, and I want to grow. I am going into this trip with high expectations of Him because I believe that when you seek, you find. I will find what I am looking for BECAUSE I am looking and yearning for it.

I really wasnt going to explain it all again but there you go. There is alot more on why Im going and what I am expecting from it but Im sure that you have or will hear it from me directly before I leave. What I have NOT been expecting is how entirely overwhelmed I feel already. Im LEAVING. They say that death in the family and moving are the two proven most stressful situations in life. I believe it. Ive been through it before - KY was actually the exact amount of time that this trip will be - but this time I cant say with all certainty that I will be back. In fact, I am going with the mindset that I am moving. And, like I said before... it is overwhelming! I have so much on my heart, not to mention in my HEAD trying to get everything ready and lined up. I am having a hard time keeping it all together... most likely because I feel like I dont even have the time to breathe! Let alone have the conversative relationship that I crave with my Father, with my Rock. I need prayer already, and I havent even left. I truly want to see you ALL before I leave and have one last conversation, and one last laugh. But believe me when I say that it is stressful! It doesnt mean I love you or value you any less. And it doesnt mean that you are any less important to me if I am having trouble fitting you in... because thats what its like for every one of you! know that I need to take that time to breathe, and to rest with Jesus before I leave or else Im going to get on that plane on Halloween and not even realize that the whirlwind ended and Im gone. I need to be in the right headplace and have the right heart for this adventure. I refuse to come back unchanged. ----- Oh yeah... and if you didnt know this about me either... Im a rambler. It cant be helped, sorry! So, if you knew me well enough that none of the above was a surprise, then I already miss you and thank God for your support and encouragement in my life. If you didnt know that I am this passionate about Jesus, and are surprised by my words, then I am sorry I was not more real with you and probably wish for more time with you. If you dont know me well enough to care to read all my thoughts then I suggest you check out my facebook group that I will update once in a blue moon (once created). ------Even in the midst of all my stress, I still thank God for each and every moment here with you. I have had some of the most meaningful and honest conversations over the past few weeks. And I truly feel loved as well as feel the extent of the love I have for you. I dont know if I will be coming back to Calgary to live or not, but I thank you for all that you have made it for me. I officially have two weeks now. Two weeks to Breathe; Two weeks to Be; Two weeks til its Just the Beginning... all over again. I am excited.