the open road.

Have you ever had a day that you just feel cool? I dont know how else to explain it other than that. Today was one of those days. I just feel cool. This is the kind of dumb conversation I would have with one or both of my siblings. Somehow we all ended up with the same odd way of thinking and expressing ourselves.

[What I did today for those of you who are interested.. I danced in my livingroom listening to Josh Groban.I went hiking along the sandy trails in a state park nearby listening to Selah's hymns, barefoot for as long as I could. I had a great conversation with God.I went into downtown Santa Cruz and perused the local stores. I bought some classic books and some unknown but cultural books at a used bookstore. Now I sit eating my homemade sweet&sour stirfry over sticky rice listening to Amos Lee and David Gray. what a wonderful day]

Now for those of you not so much interested in WHAT I did but more in what Im learning.. well thats been happening too. Ive been looking into school (finally!) and starting to put together somewhat of a plan for my life. It seemed overwhelming at first, but the verse in Proverbs just keeps coming up: "seek the Lord and He will direct your paths" something like that. And it is so true. My first priority is not my life. Still, there are alot of options for me to consider right now in my life. I'll be getting home with close to no money so work is relatively urgent. Time of course makes me think that school is relatively urgent as well. then there is this travelling thing I cant seem to shake. How does it all fit together? Ive actually found a couple schools and programs that do interest me. And Im sticking to my plan of coming back to Calgary for a year at least. What I realized today though is that God often speaks to me through 'interruptions'. What I mean is.. I will hear something direct from Him, and I will run with it full steam ahead. But often, He tells me that so that another door becomes open, or within sight, for me. So He will tell me to go to the main road that Ive heard of, but then along the way I see a side street that just feels so right. That fork-in-the-road place is a hard spot though. How do I know a distractor from what I just called an 'interruption'? Im learning to dream with a flexible heart. running, but not so fast that I cant see the forks. Its a journey. and, after today, I actually feel like I have an idea of the road ahead. exciting stuff!

one step

Today I feel like I kind of took a step backward that pushed me forward. If that makes any sense at all. I do think I can say that Im not aware of ever feeling so grateful for the feeling of conviction before. and I still dont know if that sentence made sense! Let me start a little farther back..

Last week I was having trouble 'connecting' with God again. I was feeling like maybe the effects of YWAM were wearing off and I was starting to get back to normal. HA. What is normal? I dont want it to be a place where I cant feel or hear God. I dont want it to be a place that I feel like Im struggling and a place where I cant seem to stop beating myself up for not doing better. But those were the thought patterns that were starting to resurface. I was still having moments of ups along with these thoughts, but the trend was starting to bother me. I know it is important to be able to have the faith in God whether or not you can feel His presence. and I know that we all go through times of dryness, especially after coming down after a spiritual high. The problem for me is when I start TRYING to make it all better and then feeling guilty when I dont get it right. Those are lies from the evil one. guilt is not of God, conviction however is. (I promise, I am getting to that part of my story!) SO, then this past weekend I went down to San Diego to visit my dear friend Megan from my DTS.

and it was so refreshing the instant I saw her. Its like coming home. seeing family. It just makes all the difference to be around someone that you dont have to explain your life story to for once. She lived with me for months, she knows my struggles and my heart. We encouraged eachother, discussed life problems, and spent lots of time praying for one another. In fact, the first night I got there - after driving for almost 11 hours, going straight to a party and meeting her friends, and staying up super late talking - Megan prayed me to sleep. I knew we were off to a good start there. And that seemed to be the reoccurring theme of the weekend for me. Learning to pray. Learning to ask. Learning to trust. Learning to just listen. all over again. It seems that is a lesson that needs to be taught over and over.

SO needless to say, my heart was in a pretty good spot coming back here. I rested. I communed. I fellowshipped. I was refreshed. So today, what was meant to be a chat to catch up, ended up being some tough love given to me. I am super thankful to have a friend here that is bold enough to speak up when I need a gentle reminder, or a firm one. I guess to make it brief I can say that the battle in me with independence is far from over, and when it comes to leadership I need a lesson in humility and unity. I cant expect to share the message of church unity if I struggle to work on a team myself. I need to learn to voice my opinion within a group setting and learn to work with and accept other ideas. Not shut off and just do what Im told OR just do my own thing. I guess Ive never really been able to co-lead. But I need to learn. and man o man am I going to need grace in this area. Once again I am able to say that this is just the beginning I feel..

Order

Two days ago I spent the day with my [second] cousin and friend. They roadtripped all the way down the west coast visiting family and friends along the way (sounds similar to what Im doing with jess in august..). It was neat to have a little taste of home with that. I got caught up with my small town roots - or rather, my dad's roots, and with my family. We talked church and God and family and future. We also just spent the day at the beach relaxing and soaking up the sun AS well as trying to learn to skimboard. I managed a pretty nasty fall though attempting to perfect it and ended up doing something to my right wrist... which I ignored thinking it was nothing serious until it was finally hurting so bad I couldnt ignore it any longer. Ice and meds came next.. and then in a lapse of judgement I jumped in a hot tub. BAD idea. The pain was incredible. Sleep came slow that night..

Yesterday I spent the day restlessly pacing the house. I had obviously gotten used to going out during the day and interacting with people. I just couldnt seem to shut off and relax at all. My mind was racing. I talked with my parents finally and they convinced me to at least get my wrist checked out, seeing as my insurance covered it anyway. I also attempted reading and talking with God throughout the day - seeing as I really couldnt type or write. It was frustrating finding myself in the same state of not being able to stop and tune into God. I think I was more talking at Him then with Him.. But things turned around when I ended up having a late night conversation in which I could explode all my energy into words. I feel like sometimes I get caught up in all the exteriors of my faith and forget the root of what I believe. Which is essentially to LOVE God and to LOVE people. It was good to be reminded of that. Sometimes its good to simplify I think..

Today I again chose to stay home all day, but today was very different. I enjoyed the rest, and felt at peace and filled with joy. I did go to the doctors, and two hours later came out with a split for my sprained wrist. I had the day and the house to myself, as Lori went hiking again this weekend in Yosemite. I enjoyed loud music, and dancing, and sleeping on the floor, and cooking a glorious meal for myself (and the four extra people I mustve thought were going to show up! I cooked enough for 5!). I not only read the word, but was fed by the word. I talked with an old friend and made a couple small realizations. and tonight I decided to go out with the group. We saw an old 80's band perform on the beach and laughed and danced into the night. Today was a good day.

Tomorrow is Kyle's mom's funeral. For some reason, the only thought I can think about that is very disconnected. and its just about what Im going to wear. I know that I will cry. and I know that tomorrow will probably be a difficult day. Im glad I chose to stay home and go to this service.

The day after tomorrow is the wedding of an old friend of the guys'. I think I might go uninvited... to the dance at least...

I was talking with my mom the other day - and I realized once again how easily I bond to a place or to people. It makes it easy to go, but hard to leave. If that makes any sense. I feel connected here. Just like I did in India. and in Kentucky. These are places that Ive left a piece of me in. People Ive shared with and connected too. Stories that I claim as my own and memories that I hold close to my heart. These are the events that have shaped the person that I am today. Even the events of this weekend, the ones I just shared, are things that have marked my life. And in this all, through this all, I want to love God. and I want to continue loving people. Wherever my life takes me next.

life to the full

Talking to my parents tonight reminded me to share something that I have experienced since being here... One of the guys Ive met - Kyle - his mom is really really sick with cancer. A rare form of cancer that the doctors cant do anything about. She has been fighting it for years, but this latest bout of it will probably be her last. That is the story I got the first night I hung out with my new friends here, after they received a text to say she was going downhill fast. A few days later I hung out with Kyle for the first time, and we stopped by his house so he could change. I entered a house full of love, but death as well, all mixed together. The family was all there, and I got to meet his mom too. She is a wonderful woman - completely selfless and full of joy. I got to experience a little piece of their life in this prescious time. Its a gift I couldnt have asked for. I have never been around anyone who is terminally ill, and because I hadnt known anyone there longer than a week, I didnt know how to act really. But this will surely be an experience I will always remember. We ended up staying with them longer and joining them on a walk with the mom (in her wheelchair) around the neighborhood. We fed the horses, and admired the giant houses and well kept lawns. And everyone held on to the moms every word.

Now, about a week later... it doesnt look like she is going to make it through the night. She is in a coma currently, and receiving phone calls with the final words of loved ones who couldnt be there.

And where do I fit into all this? Im just a tag along. Who has happened to be there for the calls and the text messages updating on her status, and happened to be there for her last walk around her favorite paths. I dont know what my place is exactly, but I feel incredibly blessed to be apart of this journey. Ive seen peace and love and strength and friendship in news ways. Ive seen family and community come together. Kyle's mom is a loved woman. She, and her family, have the prayers of many surrounding them right now. Please as you read this through a quick one up for the family as well. Thanks all. Be blessed.