Starting all over

I read a great book over Christmas break about a Pakistani woman who came to believe in Christ through a dream. Quite a few things stood out to me from the book, but the one line that keeps returning is not to pursue results but to pursue the presence of God.

That is pretty important for me this semester at school. It wasn't the easiest past couple months. I often felt disconnected and discouraged. Looking back, I know that God was pruning some things in my life. I need His strength, not mine....that keeps coming up. He is teaching me greater dependence on Him and is testing my perseverance too I think. Telling friends and family back home about this past semester was pretty different from my last report from school when I came home for the summer. Unity really seems to be lacking this year, and the general spirit around the campus is just different. It would be really easy for me to pursue results this semester. To try and 'do' better and make changes in my own strength. Even being back for a couple hours today I have been battling trying to have 'right' mindset about being here. I don't want to just get by. I don't want to do my own thing and finish the schoolwork. I want to engage, but I need to do it through intimacy with God, not by trying to live better. That is so hard for me to wrap my head around!

One thing that was really good about going home for a couple weeks was to talk to people about how my dreams and vision for missions has only increased. It is still difficult for me to think that God sometimes holds people back or tells them to stay here, because I want so badly to graduate and enter into what I've spent so much time preparing for. I guess it is true that the journey is more valuable sometimes than the destination (on earth that is!). It was so good to introduce Joe to my home during the break! There were definitely emotional conversation, but I am so thankful at how well Joe fits into my friends and family back home and there was a lot of love shared.

Now, after only a week being back, we are headed to Florida tomorrow to board a cruise with Joe's family for their Christmas! I got in to this family at just the right time it would seem! What a blessing to be able to spend time with both sides of the family, and get a vacation in the sun to boot!!

Questions and Answers

Here is my comparison. It's like getting a drastic hair cut. It might look great, but the first reaction from everyone closest to you will be surprise and not necessarily excitement right away. They need to digest the change that they didn't see coming.

That's what it feels like to have introduced Joe to everyone in my life back home. Last they saw me, I was single and happy. This time, I was talking about marriage and in love with a boy they had never met, and happy. It's a pretty big change to throw at people. I've cried a few tears about this, and I'm sure there will be more. Every time that our path is questioned though, there is such certainty and peace that comes to the surface. It's a huge step that we are taking, but maybe it is just another chance to risk it all in order to depend on God's promise to catch us and bless us.

A day ahead.

I am so blessed.

Even when days are long, and my body is feeling more dead than alive, I know that my Redeemer Lives and that He is alive in ME. That is pretty cool. God has shown me so much grace throughout my life. Just yesterday, I was convicted with the thought that in my heart alone, in that moment, there was enough sin to hold Jesus to that cross. In the room I was standing in, filled with believers worshipping, there was enough sin; enough enmity between brothers; to require that cost. We are so loved by our Saviour, that He would go to such lengths for such an undeserving people. He not only forgives us, but He removes our sin from us as far as the East is from the West! How can we not stand in awe at this man, and offer our everything to Him in return?

My dreams. my hopes. my failures. my passion. my plans. my day.

He deserves our best, and He wants our all.

Taking this mindset into outreach and evangelism means that I don't need to convince or beg people into the Kingdom of God. I am not out on the streets to do people a favour if they happen to believe what I say. I proclaim the truth of the Gospel, because I am compelled by His love. There is room for little more! When we do not go out with joy overflowing because of the church and His grace, we have to push through so much more of our own battles. Even within the church, we need to depend entirely on His strength to love. Just as we look to Him when we fast and are hungry, so we need to look to Him daily for anything that we can possibly walk in!

Going back to my opening line...I am so blessed. for the forgiveness of my sins. for the name that I am called by my Maker. for the protection I have been given. for the family that I have. for the friends and the church around me. for opportunities to learn and grow. And, for Joe! He is an incredible man of God! When I am tempted to look inward and dwell on my insecurities, he helps me look out to cling to Jesus alone. When I am sick, he gives me sympathy. When I am lazy, he makes me laugh, then encourages me to work. He pushes me, he prays with me, he reminds me of my beauty and encourages me to love those around me in new ways. Spending day in and day out with someone sure is a good way to get to know them fast! Where his heart is focused on the now, and living with simple faith for what is tangible, my heart is dreaming big and trusting for God to fling wide the doors of heaven! Both of us deeply value the people- both family and friends- in our lives. When you think of us, please continue to pray. We appreciate your love and blessing on our relationship, and value your prayer.

Glorious Conquerors

Woman's retreat 2010: I was struggling with my identity as a woman as ironic as that is. I remember praying, asking God to ground my identity in Him, and restore my idea of femininity. I wanted to be able to love Him purely as He created me. I wanted to walk in freedom.

Woman's retreat 2011: Looking back a year, it is incredible to see the transformation that God has done in my heart. I have freedom to be myself, as cheesy as that sounds. I am not second guessing all my decisions, and trying to create a reputation for myself. I was able to stand up in front of a group of women and share my heart with them about how God has restored my love of being female, and given me such joy and anticipation to be a wife and mother one day.

The love and unity we as BCOM women experienced this past weekend was so refreshing. I love the new freshman class! I didn't end up having the long conversations I would have liked, but I did rest. I dwelled, comfortably, in the presence of God's love. I sat and studied the trees. I danced, and I sang. The definition of a retreat is a strategic withdraw from enemy forces to a quiet or secluded place. That is exactly what this weekend was for me.

I am surrounded by beautiful women who challenge me to love sincerely and to fight with tenacity. I would love one day to live in community with any of these girls in another context, serving alongside them in the purpose of bringing Glory to God!

Annnnd for those of you who may be curious, Joe and I are doing just fine :) Maybe one day I will write a blog post about this man...

Eternal Hope

What is the Gospel? grace and peace. These are the two things we have, given to us from Jesus Himself, that the world longs for. We don't live in guilt and shame for the past, because of His grace, we have a clean heart. We don't live in fear or anxiety, because His peace quiets the storms and gives us hope for tomorrow. We have eternity placed on our hearts; a longing for something more, only because we know the promise that this life will pass away and our King will come restore the world and dwell with us. It's the kind of story we think only exists in children's books, and yet we hold onto it with all we are. He gave His life for love, and I want to do the same for Him. The price He paid deserves my all, and I am compelled by that love to share what I know.

So then, why do we still fear man? Why do we doubt God? Why do we lie and gossip? Why do we try to earn the admiration of peers and the attention of men? Why are we not all healed when we ask, and why, most importantly, why do our actions question His Word?

This weekend I had a chance to 'promote' our college at a youth evangelism conference. I spent hours with one of the new freshmen girls, and we really got to know each other's hearts. I was reminded of my attitude towards it all when I first came here last year, and amazed at the changes I could see. I was so concerned before coming to BCOM about becoming 'too spiritual' and losing sight of the world around me. I thought I knew it all, and had a pretty good grasp on who God is. It was an important reminder of how big God is, and how much deeper in He wants to draw us. Even though the conference was cheesy, and filled with hype and lights and noise, I did see God at work in those kids' lives. I saw passion in high school students to start bible studies and make a stand for purity. I saw lives being surrendered for the work of God and I saw obedience. It showed us all how God loves to work in our flawed set-ups.

Last night, I went to the streets of Minneapolis for outreach. It was a brutal night for me personally, and I couldn't wait for it to be done. I felt sick, and I was tired from the other event. I felt like I had nothing to say to any of the University students, and could hardly pray. Even in my weakness I knew God's kindness towards me. My team didn't condemn me, but instead prayed for me and made me laugh with stories. The lesson for me: I don't want to have a hard heart for this world. I want my heart to be broken for the lost, just as the Good Shepherd goes after the one lost sheep. It's not my story though, it's His. He will be glorified because His name requires it. and with all this. with all my doubts and hardness in my heart. He loves me no differently. He loves me completely and wholly. I don't think I get that fully...

but it's enough for me to keep going. This hope I have. This promise of a home and a family with Him. This love that I can never change. I hold on to that.

You are Everything.

Back to school. It's been so long that I have gone back to anything! For years I have jumped around from one thing to the next, trying to follow God through the years of unknown.

It feels so right to be back here. In contrast to many of my friends, I had a wonderful summer. To sum it up, every time I am asked all I say is: I am blessed! I have a great family and friends and was given this summer to soak up time with them before many of them move themselves. We have an awesome church group too that helped keep me accountable all summer and gave me the same sort of community I grew accustomed to here at BCOM. After saying all that though, what strikes me is that even though my summer was so blessed, being here is even a step above that. No dig on my home, it's just so good here! This week it has been a week to get into everything slow with just the sophomore students back, meaning plenty of time to hang out and catch up! It is evident that God is stirring up our class to be prayer warriors. We have had awesome times of prayer already, and rich fellowship. We've also had a bonfire and gone out to eat and went bowling and to the beach! There is so much expectation for this coming year, and for God to move powerfully through our class. We are all so excited for the incoming class to get here (tomorrow) so we can start pouring into them as well! Our class is small this year, about 28 I have heard. We all have such love for one another though, and a deep desire for truth and knowledge.

This week as the freshmen come in we will be having many prayer nights and chapel services to dedicate this class and year to God. I pray that we, as upperclassmen, will be sensitive to what God is doing and not try to do what we think should happen. I pray that we will come alongside our brothers and sisters with encouragement. I pray that we know more of God's rich love, so that we are able to love with His love.

Basically, Im just loving this, and so excited for each day given!

may we be one.

Today, while cleaning my boss' basement and listening to a sermon on my laptop, I realized something. Well, maybe a few things. Without the cross; without the death of my own agenda and perceived needs on a daily basis, all this that I am so keen on means nothing. The Bible defines love as laying down one's life for a friend (1 john somewhere). In our death, we reflect Jesus' life (2 Cor 4 something). If my entire day is not lived through that lens, then who am I living for? Myself. My needs are still in high demand. My desires are not easily 'self-controlled'. I still do what I want, when I want for the majority of my day, and I thank people when they tell me they respect the way I walk to my own beat.

I also realized that everything does come in seasons, and that really is okay. Especially when looking at the church. A while ago now I had the revelation that the church on earth is not going to be perfect, so we might as well be content where we are planted and love like none other as we learn. When Jesus returns, He is returning for His Bride - that being the church - and the Bible tells us that He is coming back for a spotless Bride. A perfect church. Until that time, we are in the process of being renewed. Still, I find myself wanting and praying for us as a body to just get it. To pray more, to minister more, to love more, to serve, to give, to disciple, to teach, to do and be all the things we see in the New Testament church! Finally, today it clicked. We will have seasons in our churches where ministry is the big push. There will be seasons of corporate prayer, and seasons of deep theological teaching. The key is to die to ourselves when we want something else and to let those gifted in that specific area, shine. Let the Spirit do His work in and through us. What a concept!

I am really learning to love this way of being the church...