a lesson in teaching.

I am evermore so grateful for the friends I have surrounding me here on this school. The mixture of encouragement (so much sometimes that it is all I can do to surpress the tears and say a simple thank you) and the challenges they give. My friends speak truth. Because they know me and they see even the things I try to hide and try to deny. You really cant hide that well when you are spending your entire existance with the same small amount of people for all this time. These people here know me quite well, and still they love me. Its a really cool feeling. I need to remember this feeling. I need to remember that this TIMES a LOT is how GOD thinks of me. He doesnt just love me because Hes God and its His character. He actually LIKES me. And wants to be around me. where this all came from is because this week we got together and had to plan a church service in a hour.. and it just ended up that Cortney and I were left with delivering the message. Writing a sermon. OH MAN. That is what I said. soo I agreed with alot of hesitancy and loads of self doubt. I already had to give the message just the week before in Dublin.. and I dont mind preparing a talk, but I really lost all confidence when speaking it out. Its true that we are our own worst critics. I expect nothing short of perfection from myself in alot of areas and it is quite the process letting that go. I am just so thankful for the words of truth and wisdom spoken to me from my friends here. I am simply not allowed to talk about myself that way. They hold me accountable and give me the strength when I feel weak. Once again I say it is an amazing feeling living in this community. God is slowly working with me in areas of my life that have been left untouched for so long. You know, the areas that are so surpressed and untouched that its so easy to ignore and focus on more obvious things? Well I guess this is what soul surgery feels like. But the thing is.. it doesnt hurt. Not at all. It is so freeing! Youd think that youd get tired of continually feeling like you have no control and you just are grasping one thing when another slaps you in the face... but Im not at all. I love it. I love the process of it. I am no longer expecting to HAVE it. or to GET it. I can analyze my thoughts for days and I can pinpoint sins and behaviour patterns and all that.. and thats fine to do sometimes.. but the most important part of all this is the love. The action of love. Thats a little bit of what I spoke about on Sunday.. about how the greatest of the commandments is to LOVE God and LOVE people and that love is also the greatest GIFT we have to offer.. annnd that in the Great Commission the bottom line is to GO and TEACH my new disciples to obey my commands.. soo to teach them to love?

We were learning about the Kingdom of God this week in lectures annd well it was really not what I was expecting. I was pleasantly surprised. I wont go into detail about what it was about... beccause I think Im still processing that. I got alot of little bits of information though. And alot of Him putting words to what I was already thinking. I love when that happens. I think Im at the point in my life now where I am aware that I cant stay in this state for very much longer. This is a very safe and controlled and loving environment where I am constantly being stretched and taught and encouraged and uplifted.. but I think I understand that I do need to see if this has worked... I need to see if these truths have made it down to every part of me. I need to be tempted and challenged and faced with mountains.. that is the best way to grow I do believe. I am ready for that next part of my life.. maybe not fully prepared once again, but ready to give it a go. And only because I KNOW that God has got my back - well actually he's got a whole lot more than that! annd I KNOW that I will fail. Like I said.. this is a journey and I am no longer impatiently waiting til I have it. It doesnt matter that I dont have all my theologies worked out and all my answers carefully lined up and all my resistant techniques for all the temptations of the world. I am just glad that I get to be living this all out.

ANNND I am very very excited for India. we leave in less than a month! Wowza. Today we had a day off so we could work on all the little details that have built up to do for this trip. I have to do stuff for fundraising still, and look for luggage that is easier to take to India, and go to the doctors for vaccinations etc. And theres all the memory-making things that we are trying to get in before we split up into two groups. Weve got a birthday party this weekend, and for Vday on sat we cooked a nice meal for the guys and had a valentines party. We are all painfully aware that our time is coming to and end all together, so we are trying to get as much in as possible. SO, Im off to go work on that never ending list of mine. Blessings to all.